The boss said I needed new photos.


Unless your name is Gisele, or Heidi Klum, or Adriana Lima, it’s time to get nervous when someone mentions your name and “photo shoot” in the same sentence. I mean sure, I can occasionally put up a good selfie on Instagram (hello, filters!), but in real life, I am one of the world’s most painfully awkward human beings in existence. I don’t know how to pose, or hold my head, or do that thing with my eyes that Tyra Banks calls smizing.

But, if the boss commands it, then it shall be done.

So, after spending a week’s paycheck on skincare products at Sephora, I trudged over to Cameragraphics to let John Oliver’s camera have its merry way with me.

You guys, it wasn’t bad…in fact, I had FUN! See this smile? It’s genuine!John instantly put me at ease. He was willing to try any of my ideas, no matter how dumb they may have sounded at the time, and he even gave me guidance on posing so I wouldn’t look like the total freak I usually am. Thanks to John’s help, we were able to summon my inner rock goddess. Joan Jett would be proud.And since, like Ricky Bobby, I am in a perpetual state of not knowing what to do with my hands, I must give many thanks to my longtime friend, Robb Todd, for loaning me not one, but two of his favorite vintage guitars for the shoot. According to legend, this white one was gifted to him by Pantera. If you’re lucky, you might get to see him break it out at Damn Skippy’s next gig.Many, many years from now, when I’m an old lady and I finally go quietly into that good night, greeting death like an old friend, these are the photos I want displayed at my funeral.

Somebody make that happen.  I mean it.  Seriously.





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